What you don't know won't hurt you

I've been away for a while due to school, but so much has happened since my last entry, i lost 34lbs, my best friend and ex boyfriend (we were going out when this happened) found out about my eating disorder, i made an instagram page @yearning.for.bones and i was reported to the school authorities for not eating and missing meals. i embarked on a little 5 day fast on only water last week and lost 10lbs, i currently can't fast because my exams are coming up on monday and after thet, i'm being shipped to an island with no civilization for a leadership training course so hopefully i can loose some more pounds. I have been diagnosed with ED-NOS officially, but my mum doesn't know yet, i binge and purge a lot now, i restrict a lot and since i'm being watched, i have to eat at least one meal a day but screw that, i haven't had any calories in 2 days and my school counselor hasn't realized so i may get away with it. As you know i'm in boarding school, and tomorrow is my visiting day, so my mum is coming, i just have to make sure she avoids all staff and she's only bringing salad and a sandwich. i've been having lots of breakdowns lately due to pent up emotions, i've had no outlet because no one really understands me and i'm to scared to confide in anyone really. I didn't tell my best friend, he found my eating/measurement journal and confronted me about it and i told my ex because i trusted him and he also has his own issues, he understood at first then later he was just trying to get me to eat at all cost, i mean he was sweet, gave me a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear when no one would pay me attention, i appreciated it really but truth be told, i'm just scared of letting him get to close because i'll only end up disappointing him the way i let everyone down, we still talk and he still helps me out but i don't think we're going farther than that in all honesty, i'll try and post again before my exams and let you know whats been going on. i really missed this xxx

Hunger Hurts But Starving Works

Hey guys,
Merry Christmas!!!! I know it's been a while since I've been on this and when I left, I was about to embark on a 2days liquid fast, that would have been a success till I stumbled upon the military diet. Well its baisically this diet where you eat a structured meal of 1500 calories for 3 days and lose 10 pounds, but I couldn't go past day 1, I mean 1500 cals a day is like my meal in a week. I mean 2 tbspn of pb is 190 cals and I couldn't do it and I binged like there was no freaking tomorrow, then Christmas came and I didn't eat till lunch time where my mum made me have a salad, then family and friends started arriving and my mum was watching me closely expecting me to eat everything my mates ate and let me tell you, people my age eat loads of shit. After everyone left, my mum asked me to share a bowl of ice cream and I tried to get out of it but she played the guilt card on me and I had no choice but to join her.
Later on, I was feeling irritated and disgusted with myself and I was talking with a fellow ed friend about it and she told me to purge and I'm like I can't and then she told me what to do and I did it and it worked and I love it. Getting rid of all the ice cream ( which by the way is delicious and cold when it comes back up) crackers, cheese sandwiches and as much junk as I could before my mum started looking for me, and let me tell you, it felt so good to get rid of those toxins in my body.
So pretty much, I'm traveling tomorrow, more like a road trip, to my hometown tomorrow, which is technically today, and I don't know if I'll be able to post again till I return before new years and I return to school first week of January, so let's see how it works all works out. So I'll see you guys soon. Btw, when I measured my self Monday morning, I had lost some inches at my problem area and unfortunately my scale broke and I won't be able to replace it for a while but I'm pretty sure those numbers came down, but after today,  I'm sure those numbers went up, but I hope the. Purging helped.
Anyways, I will not post my death list for the day because I can't remember most of the things I had and I'm sure it would make me faint recalling the food I've demolished.
Till next time my lovelies, till then starve and purge on!!!

push till your thighs dont touch

Today started off extremely well. I didn't eat till around 3pm and I only ate because my mum was getting suspicious, so I had a few mouth full of chicken salad without dressings. I didn't use the dressing because I discovered without it, the salad is a bit better because of the lettuce and cabbage and makes you not want to eat, so it helped out. That's about 50 cals. After this I had 2 laxative tablets just incase I binged and to clear out the salad and behold, my mother wasn't satisfied with what I ate and made me have some home made yam porridge with chicken( 600 cals). I was revolted by the idea of finishing it and only had a 2 pieces of yam and left the rest but Nooooooo, my mum forced me to shove every bit if porridge and chicken down my throat and I didn't exercise today and was counting on the laxative since I can't exactly force myself to throw up, so I purge the other way if you get what I mean ;)
I felt my tummy rumbling and went to the toilet expecting to you know what, but what do I get instead? My frigging period and I was ultimately pissed, after it didn't show up since September, it decides to make a bloody grand entrance. Excuse the pun. To make matters worse, the laxative hasn't kicked in and I am so looking forward to my 2 dayyyyy fast. And I may have binged on chicken (50 cals) and may have exaggerated the calories for the porridge, but it feels like frigging 600 cals
Then today, I was taking my measurement with a tailor for an outfit and he was like 'hour measurement shows your a womam' and I'm like screw your life to hell you funding retard, thanks for bringing down a girls self esteem. Now I am so motivated to not eat for the rest of my frigging life.
Death list for the day:
Green tea 0 cals
3 bottles of water 0 cals
Chicken salad  50 cals
Yam porridge and chicken, not sure but I'm sticking with 600 cals
Chicken 50
Total 650 cals
Screw my life, aren't I a frigging fat pig
See y'all tomorrow xxx

Quod me nutrirt me destruit

If  you're wondering about the title, it means 'what nutrifies me destroys me'. I decided to start all my blogs with a thinspo quote.
Its quite late here and I decided to quickly drop by and let you know how my liquid fast went. It was great actually. It felt good to be empty and in control all  day long and I even went for a party!
Well, I started my day with the cardio/dance exercise for an hour which is burning over a thousand calories along with the crunches and situps I did. After this,  i  had a cup of green tea (0 calories) to boost my metabolism and keep me filled for the rest of the day. Then I went to the mall with my brother's girlfriend to run some errands for my mum which was a huge mistake because she wanted us to take her phone to the phone store since it  had issues ( my mum has letting go issues) so baisically, we got to the store and they needed her, we told her and she told us she was on her way, we waited for 2 hours before she came because she ran into her friends. like who does that. when we were done we went home after being dragged round the mall. on the plus side, im sure I burnt a helluva lot of calories.
When  i got home, had another bottle of water while looking for what to wear for the party as I'm not in the best  of shapes. I headed for the party with my friend and when I got there,  i saw a guy friend hadnt seen in a while and guess what he told me....... "You've been eating i well see"  which is him politely telling me  im fat.  i felt like killing myself, like crawling into a cave and hiding forever and it was obvious everyone else that I hadn't seen in a while thought the same cos they all gave this 'wow youre fat' look and at that moment, I was determined to loose the weight and shock them all.
I had this drink called a ribena(108 calories) to loosen up and calm down and as the party progressed, I actually had fun and met new people and some guys actually asked for my number and if we could hang sometime.
I got home feeling pumped up, but it was like midnight and I have church tomorrow so I just had a glass of semi-skimmed milk(45 calories) to help me sleep and it seems to be kicking in, so here's my death list for today:

• 2 or 3 bottles of water - 0 cals
• Green tea - 0 cals 
• Ribena - 108 cals

•  Milk - 45 cals

Which is a total of 113 cals
Net cal is - 887
I'll post tomorrow and let you know how my eating day goes.
Later lovelies and starve on.


I'm sorry this just posted now, I posted it last night but it seems it didn't go. I'll have another post up in the evening to let y'all know how my day went xxx

First post

We all strive for perfection. Its like a race with an ultimate goal : to be thin. 
I decided to start a blog because I felt alone. No one understood me. It felt like I was trapped in a world where everyone was against me, trying to derail me from my ultimate goal and I hated it. I hated everyone who tried to force me to eat, I hated myself when I succumbed to their traps. And I hated the numbers shown on the scale the morning after. The numbers that rule my life.
I chose to stay anonymous in case someone I know stumbles upon this blog. It is not my wish for my family and friends to find out about my eating disorder. Only a few know about it and I intend for it to stay that way.
I'm home with my family for Christmas which will make it hard for me to continue my ways without arousing suspicion and I can't bear it if those numbers go up so I decided to test the waters with a one day liquid fast tomorrow and see if they'll notice and eat about 300-500 calories the following day then go for a 2 day fast and eat afterwards, I'll keep going like that till I get to a 4 or 5 day fast and cover it up with the fact I'm ill and I'll see where i'll go from there depending on their level of suspicion.
I'm 5'6 by the way. I won't disclose my weight for now. My goal weight is 100lbs maybe 95lbs. I'm in boarding school, so it's kinda easy in school but once I get home, everyone is on about how much weight I've lost and trying to force feed me till I'm 'healthy' enough which is frigging fat and I'm determined to change that, I hate how much my clothes fit. I crave the concave stomach not convex, I don't want my thighs to touch and I want to be able to admire my prominent clavicle and hip bones, I want o be thin, my own version of 'healthy'. Maybe being sick would help jump start my weight loss, I pray so.
I'm still sore from the dance/cardio exercise I did yesterday for 2hours and I still went on the treadmill for an hour and was able to shed 312 on the treadmill and over 1000 from my dance/cardio. I have to increase how much calories I burn on the treadmill if I want to reach my goal. I'll let you know how my fast goes tomorrow till then, starve on my lovelies, reach perfection